Answering Machine
by Kishiro Kitsune
Summary: AU. mild shonen ai. Axel steals Sora's phone to call Roxas, interrupting his conversation with Riku. That results in a battle over the phone.
1. Battle of the Phone

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It belongs to Disney and Square Enix.

* * *

Answering Machine

As everyone knows, a bored Axel is never a good thing. In fact, it's safe to say that a bored Axel can have disastrous consequences. The last time he got bored, things exploded.

This particular time, it is poor Sora who is stuck with the bored pyromaniac for the day. And that may mean even more trouble than Axel being alone and bored.

Axel lays sprawled out across the couch of the Strife's living room, taking up as much room as he possibly can. Sora sits in a recliner a few feet away, chatting on the phone with his best friend Riku. Axel heaves a sigh, trying to get Sora's attention. When the spiky-haired brunet only laughs at something Riku says, Axel loudly groans and rolls over onto his stomach, burying his face in the couch pillow.

'_I wish Roxas was here…'_

The single thought gives Axel an idea. He gets up off the couch and walks over to Sora and plucks the phone from his hands. He ignores Sora's complaints and attempts to get the phone back and puts the phone to his ear to talk to Riku. "Hey, bitch, sorry to take you away from your precious lover-boy but I have a Roxas to call."

"_You bas--!"_

Axel ends the call before Riku can finish what he's saying. With a grin, he opens Sora's contacts page and locates Roxas's number. He commit's the number to memory and then presses send.

Sora scowls and tries to get his phone back, only to have Axel dance out of the way. "It's rude to take a person's phone to call their twin. Especially when said person is talking on the phone with their best friend!"

For once, Axel doesn't take the opportunity to tease Sora about being in love with Riku and them being much more than best friends. "Shush, it's ringing." He says, gesturing for Sora to be quiet. He patiently waits while the phone rings. And rings. And rings… and then picks up and Axel nearly falls over when he hears Roxas's voice.

"_Hello?"_

"Hey, Roxy! It's--"

"_Sorry, I can't pick up my phone right now. If this is Sora or Cloud, leave a message. If this is Kairi or Selphie, then no, I don't want to participate in another girls night out. I don't know where you got the idea that I would enjoy something like that. On second thought, I do. If this is Axel, then Sora will die for giving you my number and leaving his phone unattended. Oh, and Riku, you can go die in a fucking hole!" _-BEEP-

Axel doesn't know whether to laugh or cry at Roxas's message. After a moment, he does both, which gives Sora the opportunity to get his phone back while the redhead's defenses are down. Realizing that the phone is waiting for a message, he quickly puts it to his ear and explains what's going on.

"Hey, Rox, Axel stole my phone to call you and is now rolling around on the floor." He says. "I'm not sure if he's laughing or crying or what. Jeez, whatever you left as a message on your phone must have been something good." He watches Axel for a moment and then grins when he gets an idea. "Eww, Axel! Stop humping the floor! It's a good thing I got my phone back!" He quickly snaps the phone shut and jumps back when Axel reaches over and tries to grab his leg.

"You did not leave that as a message." Axel says, glaring at Sora.

Sora keeps grinning and slides the phone into his pocket. "I did. And you brought it upon yourself, you know. You shouldn't have taken the phone from me while I was talking to Riku."

"Is that so?"

"Yup."

Axel sits up and Sora warily watches him for any sign of attack. They both know that the battle over the phone isn't over yet. Axel stands up and stretches out his lanky body. Sora tenses, ready to run or dodge whatever Axel will throw at him.

A mischievous light enters Axel's eyes and a smirk plays across his lips. "Worried, Sora?"

"Of course not." Sora replies, trying to make it look like he's relaxed. He can't fool Axel though.

Deciding that getting his revenge sooner rather than later is better, Axel attacks.

Ten minutes of screaming and cursing later, Cloud walks into the room to see Axel laying face down on the floor with his arms pinned behind his back by Sora, who is sitting on him.

Cloud raises an eyebrow. "Do I want to know?'

"He took my phone and called Roxas." Sora explains. "But he's sorry now, aren't you Axel?"

"Mrrmph hmm." Axel says through the carpet.

Cloud sighs, wondering how stealing someone's phone managed to become such a big offense. Wanting no part in the mess, he leaves the room. "Don't forget to let him breathe." He reminds.

"Don't worry." Sora says. "I'll let him up when he starts turning blue."

Axel makes a noise of protest and begins struggling, but Sora keeps him trapped in place.

And so, Axel learns a very valuable lesson: Don't mess with Sora's phone.

* * *

END

* * *

And once again, I have Axel calling Riku a bitch and Riku calling Axel a bastard. I still think that's funny. You do something silly in one simple little story and it ends up stuck in your writing for the rest of forever.

So, the point of this? There is no point. Me and my friend were talking about what Roxas would leave on his answering machine as a message and then I thought of Axel trying to hump the phone when Roxas calls and so this was born! Not the greatest thing ever and I have no idea if I'll continue with this and do a few more. It depends on if I get inspired again.

**By the way,** I've got a poll up so people can vote for what story I'll be posting once I finish 'Princess'. There are 3 story choices and I have the summaries of each one at the top of my profile page.


	2. No Service

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It belongs to Disney and Square Enix.

* * *

No Service

Sora is happily talking to Riku on his phone while walking around the living room. Roxas is laying out on the couch with his book, pretending to read while he is really listening in on the conversation to make sure Riku doesn't say anything inappropriate to Sora. He can always tell before Sora turns bright red and starts stuttering like he always does when it's Riku and occasionally when Axel says something particularly perverted.

'_Damn them.' _Roxas thinks, glaring at his book. _'Those two keep corrupting my brother and one of these days I will get revenge!'_ Thoughts of Sora and how innocent he was back before he met Riku and Axel danced through his mind briefly.

"Kairi actually said that?" Sora suddenly asks, sounding surprised. "I don't believe it! You're not lying to me, are you?" He pauses for a moment and then frowns. "Riku? Hey, Riku, are you there?" He waits another few seconds and then checks the screen of his cell phone. "What do you mean there's no service!?"

Roxas doesn't bother to hide his smirk. _'Ha! Take that, Riku!'_

Sora growls in anger and starts moving around the room, holding up the phone in different places and heights to see if he gets a signal. When he finds there is no place in the living room, he leaves to try the rest of the house.

Roxas remains on the couch and begins reading his book, content to know that Riku can't influence Sora any more for the time being. It doesn't cross his mind that with the signal out his best friend Naminé can't reach him.

Roxas gets a few pages of his book read before Sora stomps back into the room and throws his phone across the room. It bounces across the carpet and hit's the opposite wall. Sora pouts and crosses his arms over his chest before sitting down in the recliner.

"Way to go, genius." Roxas remarks, looking up from his book. "Now you'll be lucky if your phone even works, let alone actually get a signal here. You know that cell phone's have weak signals around here anyway. I don't know why you're so upset."

"But I was starting to work up my courage to ask Riku out!" Sora blurts out, sounding upset. Roxas freezes, wondering if he heard Sora correctly. "And then the phone went out and now he probably thinks I hung up on him and that I hate him but I really don't, I mean, I really like him, you know?"

Roxas tries not to rip his book as he turns the page. "You sound like Demyx when he starts whining."

"I do not!" Sora protests. "But what am I gonna do, Roxas?" He asks pleadingly.

Roxas sighs and closes his book. To him, Sora's happiness means more than making Riku miserable, especially when there's something he can do about it. He stands up and walks over to Sora. "Come on, I'll drive you over to Riku's."

Sora looks hopeful. "You'd do that for me?"

Roxas nods, albeit unhappily. "Yeah. Just remember, when you finally pass your test and get your learners and then get your license, you will drive me around."

"Okay!" Sora exclaims, jumping up. He races over to his phone and picks it up and then races for the door. "Meet you out at the car!"

Roxas sighs again and sets down his book. _'The things I do for him…'_ He thinks as he walks after him.

* * *

END

* * *

Another piece inspired by my friend Seto-chan. She was complaining about how her cell phone isn't getting service at her home right now and then she suggested I write something about Sora having cell phone trouble. So voila!

In case you didn't know, votes are still going on for the next story I'll be posting after 'Princess'. Check out the top of my profile to see if there's a story idea that you like.


	3. Fighting Over Who?

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It belongs to Square Enix and Disney.

**Answering Machine**

_Chapter 3_

It's another normal day at the Strife house with Sora playing video games with Riku and Roxas on the phone with Axel. Cloud is busying himself in the kitchen, most likely baking an odd assortment of things to try and figure out what dessert his boyfriend would like best.

"Okay, sure, Axel," Roxas said, rolling his eyes. "So what next? Did the boogeyman magically appear?"

"_No!" _Axel yelled. _"You know what, why don't you put Sora on the phone so I can talk to him instead."_

Roxas frowned. "Why? Just because he's nicer?"

"_Because he gives better hugs!"_

It took a moment for what Axel said to register in Roxas's brain. "Sora gives you hugs?" He asked, feeling the slightest bit jealous. He looked over at his twin and narrowed his eyes at him.

"_Yup!" _Axel sounded pleased.

"Sora!" Roxas yelled at his twin. "You're not suppose to hug Axel or Riku! They're bad influences!"

Sora rolled his eyes and took the sucker out of his mouth. "Oh, come on, Rox. It's not like you're _dating _Axel or anything."

Roxas blushed and avoided meeting Sora's eyes.

"Oh my god! You are!" Sora said excitedly. He jumped to his feet and started for the door. "Hey, Riku! You'll never guess- Oomph!" He was unable to finish his sentence as Roxas tackled him to the floor, phone in hand.

"_Roxas?" _Axel's voice came through the phone, loud enough for the twins to hear. _"What's going on?"_

"Sorry, Axel! Beating up Sora now!" Roxas replied, before snapping his phone shut and tossing it over to the couch. "Ow, Sora!" He exclaimed. "Why'd you bite me?"

"That's what you get for sticking your hand in my mouth!"

"I did not!"

Sora socked Roxas in the jaw, which made the blond see stars for a moment.

"Ow, shit, Sora! Nice punch."

Sora grinned. "Thanks. I learned it from you!"

Riku walked into the room with a tray of cookies and stopped short at the sight of his boyfriend and his boyfriend's brother rolling around on the ground hitting and biting each other. He decided not to ask what they were doing.

A few minutes later, Axel arrived at the house and let himself in the front door. He hurried down the hall, pausing to quickly say "hello" to Cloud, and stopped short when he got to the living room. "What the hell are you two _doing_?"

"Fighting over you!" came the cheerful reply from Sora.

"You're _what_?" Riku asked in a horrified tone. "Sora, how could you?"

"I'm kind of busy right now!" Sora told him before biting Roxas's hand again.

Cloud walked into the room and began to say something only to sigh when he saw the spectacle that was his brothers. "I'll put the cookies on the counter," he announced before turning around and walking back to the kitchen.

There was a moment during which Axel and Riku watched the twins fight and growl at each other.

"So, uh, is this normal?" Axel asked.

"The fighting? Yes. What they're fighting over? No," Riku replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh," Axel said nodding. It took him another minute to process Riku's exact words. "Hey, wait a second! I'm not a 'what', I'm a 'who'!"

"Really?" Sora asked. "So you're from Whoville?"

Axel groaned. "Why the hell did I come over here?"

"Because you _love _Roxas," Sora cheerfully said as he stood up. "And because I give better hugs! How about a hug, Axel?"

Roxas tackled Sora to the ground. "There will be no hugging Axel!"

Riku didn't even blink as another fight broke out between them. He merely shrugged and walked calmly down the hall to the kitchen to get one of Cloud's delicious homemade cookies. Axel remained in the room and watched in amusement as the two continued to roll around on the floor.

'_I should give Sora hugs more often,' _he thought. _'Especially if it makes Roxas all possessive of me all the time.'_

"Cookie?" Riku asked when he returned.

"Yeah, thanks," Axel replied, taking one.

Together the two watched Sora and Roxas continue their fight until they finally got tired and lay sprawled out on the floor. That's when Riku and Axel attacked their boyfriends and dragged them off to theirs rooms for some alone time.

* * *

End

* * *

This thing has been sitting on my computer for a while now and it only needed a few more lines before it was finished. So here it is.

After this I think I'm going to only do one more and it'll actually involve an answering machine. I just gotta figure out who's it'll be.


	4. You've Got Voicemail

Answering Machine

You've Got Voicemail

Riku arrived home from college a bit later than usual, so it was quite the surprise to him that his older brother didn't beat him home like usual. The older male always arrived home before him, no matter what crazy schedule he had for the day. Riku didn't know how he did it.

He dropped his bag near the door as he slipped off his sneakers. Then he stretched his arms languidly over his head, wondering how much trouble his boyfriend would be in if he were to text him while he was in the middle of class. He chuckled as he imagined the livid expression on the face of his boyfriend's twin brother (Roxas) if he were to do so. It would be wholly worth it to piss off the blond boy, especially after the little act he pulled the day before.

Riku slid his cell phone from his pocket, seriously considering texting his boyfriend. On the one hand, it would seriously piss off Roxas. Then again, he would also get a lecture from his adorable little brunet as well as a ban from eating any of the oldest brother's cookies. Not to mention his own brother wouldn't be terribly happy with him…

"Damn," the curse slipped past Riku's lips before he even realized it. With a sigh, he slid the small device back into his pocket and began his walk through the empty house to the unnaturally clean and empty kitchen.

For a few minutes he busied himself by looking through the noticeably empty cabinets. "Does Sephiroth _ever _buy groceries?" he muttered as he found an old can of cat food which expired three years previous. "And when the hell did we have a cat?"

Riku soon gave up on finding anything that was edible and wouldn't make him sick and instead wandered around the house looking for something to do while waiting for the clock to strike three-fifteen so he could text Sora.

It was on his sixth trip through the house that he found something to ease his boredom. It was a simple little thing with a plain silver covering and a single blue sequin super-glued on the front.

It was Sephiroth's cell phone.

Riku smirked and picked up the device, nonchalantly flipping it open to see if Sephiroth had forgotten to delete his text messages like always. Instead, he discovered that it was on speaker phone and that there were many voicemails waiting for his brother.

"_You have __**sixty-four **__new messages."_

Riku blinked at the phone once. And then twice for good measure. He considered setting the phone down and finding something else to occupy his time, but curiosity won him over and he was soon laying sprawled across the couch listening to the voicemail message.

It started out simple enough. Actually, it was much like back when they had an answering machine for their home phone line. The first five messages were from Zack, who, in his random glory, kept shoving the phone at other people saying, "Here! You talk to him! I can't talk to him!" After that, there was one message from Cloud and then another seven from Zack. Then Rufus Shinra (Sephiroth's boss), Aerith, Cloud again, another three from Zack, two from Reno (who sounded drunk), one from Tseng (a coworker), two from Zack _and _Reno, one from Elena (another coworker), three from Reeve (requesting that Sephiroth _please_ get the crazy people out of his house), one from Zack, two from Yuffie, another from Zack, another three from Yuffie, a few more from Reeve, another from Cloud, and so on.

Riku slowly closed the phone and set it down on the couch. He stared at it as if it were about to come to life and start eating his hand or shooting lasers at him like in that _Transformers _movie Sora made him watch.

"What the _hell _is wrong with Sephiroth's friends?" he wondered aloud.

The phone moved.

Riku shrieked and leaped up from the couch, diving to the floor in fear. Then he cautiously peaked up onto the couch, where the phone vibrated once again and then fell motionless.

Riku laughed nervously and started to move back up onto the couch, but then the door swung open and he jumped five feet away from the couch and yelled, _"I didn't do it!"_

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow as Riku sprinted out of the room to go hide out somewhere. Then he calmly made his way over to the couch and picked up his single-gem bedazzled cell phone and flipped it open.

"_You have __**sixty-five **__new messages."_

With a smirk, Sephiroth took off the speaker phone and lifted the device to his ear. It took some time to get through all of the messages, but once he got through all of them (saving his favorite ones) he calmly closed the cell phone and turned to walk back out the front door.

'_That'll teach him to mess with my phone.'_

_

* * *

  
_

Sephiroth's Voicemail

"Heeeey, Seph! Guess what I'm doing! Oh, shi--" -beep!-

"It's me again. You know - Zack. So, um, you're not answering your phone again! What if this was something important! What if I was on _fire?! _I- you- arg! I can't talk to you! Here! Hey, you! You talk to him!" _clicking noise _" Uh, hello? This is, uh, Cissnei. Zack apparently doesn't want to talk to you about, er, something. I don't really know what…. Is anyone there? _Goddammit, Zack!" -_beep!-

"Sephiroth! I called you, like, an hour ago? Where the hell are you and -- no, never mind. I don't want to know. You're a jerk! I'm your best friend and you never even call me back! I can't _talk _to you anymore! You! You talk to him!" _clicking noise (again) _"What the hell, man? Who the fuck am I t--? Sephiroth? Sweet! Hey, Sephy-poo, gues who! Ha ha, I just rhymed, yo. Hey, yeah, you know that thing? … Are you there? Seph? Za~ack!" -beep!-

"Hey, its me again. Damn. I forgot why I was calling." -beep!-

"_I know what you did last weekend!" _-beep!-

"Sephiroth, it's Cloud. Do you remember where we put that rope? Call me back." -beep!-

"_I have a little cho-co-bo and his name is Cloud!" ­_-beep!-

"Listen, if Tseng calls and asks where I am, tell him I've been with you all day." -beep!-

"I swear I didn't do it!" -beep!-

"Umm... I think I just sold Cloud on ebay..." -beep!-

"Remember how you told me to never dress in drag? Well..." -beep!-

"-funny story, really. And, oh- hey Seph! It's Zack and I'm gonna hang with Reno for a bit. He says he has a foolproof plan and I'm bored so, yeah. Talk to you later, bye!" -beep!-

"Say, _hypothetically _speaking, how lethal _is _swallowing a whole jug of bleach?" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, do remind Zack that the company bathrooms are, in fact, public and are therefore not good places to molest unsuspecting cadets and Cloud. Also, your desk has been repaired." -beep!-

"Hello, Sephiroth. This is Aerith. I thought you should know that Zack just came in and ordered fifty flowers to be delivered to your office. I would have stopped him, but a new guy was out here and didn't know better... so I'll see you at dinner, alright?" -beep!-

"I found the rope, but it appears that Zack escaped the closet before I could tie him up. Call me if you see him anywhere." -beep!-

_"...-for the love of all that is good and holy don-...!" _-beep!-

"So apparently it wasn't bleach, but moonshine. My bad!" -beep!-

"You know, I didn't think you could actually run into automatic doors but Reno just proved me wrong. I'll show you the pictures later." -beep!-

"_Heeeeey _there, Sephy! Before you ask, no, I didn't get your number from Zack or Cloud. Or Aerith. Not even Yuffie. No, I got it from Tseng's office! See, and you said-- whoa! The ceiling's spinning! That can't be- _blaaarg!" _-beep!-

"Guess where _I'm _at. That's right! I'm in the _shower!" _-beep!-

"_...that is not the proper use for an E.M.R., Reno!_ _Ahem. _Sephiroth, I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your subordinate on your side of the building. If not, I'm afraid I may have to shoot him. Good day." -beep!-

_"You! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar--" _Giggling from Zack and Reno is heard. -beep!-

"Heeey, Seph. It's me and Reno. Yeah. Remember that Shinra water tower I_ swore _I'd never defile? Well… I think we got a little carried away…" -beep!-

"Sir, this is Elena. Your office is on fire." -beep!-

"Sephiroth, this is Reeve from the WRO. It appears Reno and Zack have broken into my apartment. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would come get them." -beep!-

"It's Reeve again. Reno and Zack just got into my tequila. Please come get them. Reno won't stop humping the television and Zack… _Oh my shit! Zack, what the hell are you doing?!" _-beep!-

"Sephiroth, it's Reeve again. Come get Zack and Reno _now _or I might have to take drastic action. They're painting inappropriate things on the walls." -beep!-

"I JUST PAINTED 'VAGINA' ON REEVES CEILING!" -beep!-

"Hi, it's me, Yuffie. Is there any reason why Reeve just dumped Zack and Reno off in Wutai? Its just that it's a real pain. You don't wanna know the damage they caused last time. Anyway, call me back!" -beep!-

"It's Yuffie again. If Reno says anything about a Wutaian transvestite, I swear it wasn't me!" -beep!-

"So, I'm at Golden Saucer and am handcuffed to Reno. I'm thinking this isn't good." -beep!-

"You won't believe what I found in Zack's sock drawer!" -beep!-

"And it's not a condom!" -beep!-

"And, well, remember that time I told you I didn't know where your video camera went? Why don't you ask Zack and Cloud what happened to it… That wasn't what was in his sock drawer, by the way." -beep!-

"I took Reno and Zack to Wutai. And do inform Tseng that I expect to receive new paint for my walls within the next few days. I'm not sure how much longer I can't look at the crude language on my walls." -beep!-

"Also, one of them painted a giant phallus on my bathroom wall." -beep!-

"I don't care what Zack says, I am not a pervert and I do not own a large collection of pornography!" -beep!-

"I'm not wearing pants, I have Yuffie's bra on, and something is licking my leg." -beep!-

"Scratch that, it's Zack who's licking my leg." -beep!-

"Seph, it's Angeal. I'm calling to let you know that Genesis is the one who set your office on fire. He claims it's because you're too tall." -beep!- (1)

"Hello, it's Aerith again. Could you remind Zack and Cloud that dinner is at six and that they need to be on their best behavior? You three _are_ meeting my parents, after all. Thanks!" -beep!-

"I got a call from Reno saying he was sexually harassed by a transvestite in Wutai and ended up handcuffed to Zack Fair…" -beep!-

"Um… it's Axel…. Don't tell Cid but I might have accidentally set his gummi ship on fire… oh… and Sora's in the hospital. Yeah." -beep!-

"It's Axel again. Just thought you'd like to know that Sora's alright. But… have you seen Reno?" -beep!-

"I AM SO FUCKING _HIGH _RIGHT NOW!" -beep!-

"U-uumm.. Sephiroth? Can you tell Riku these people are trying to… NO! DON'T STICK THAT THERE N--" -beep!-

"Eh, Seph? It's Reno… do you think humping the television will cause low sperm count?" -beep!-

"And I swear it wasn't your television this time!" -beep!-

"It was Tseng's." -beep!-

"Yuffie did it!" -beep!-

"I wanna know what the real meaning of 'fuck' is!" -beep!-

"What exactly do home movies mean to you, Sephiroth?" -beep!-

"If Rufus asks, I _so _did not steal that helicopter!" -beep!-

"Someone pissed in my beer!" -beep!-

"Oh my fuck! Who let a _bear _in the house, huh?" -beep!-

"That transvestite, yeah… umm… turns out it was Kadaj." -beep!-

"The bear stole my moonshine!" -beep!-

"Is there a reason why I'm surrounded by whips, chains, and a thousand pictures of Cloud?" -beep!-

"Turns out, Axel's closet is _not _a happy place. It's a scary bad place. Don't go in there. Like, ever. Okay, yo?" -beep!-

"Hey Sephiroth… I saw your penis in a bag of cereal today!" -beep!- (2)

"Hey Seph, I want you to tell what it sounds like being humped by Reno, okay?" -beep!-

"I dropped my phone in the toilet and it still works! Neat!" -beep!-

"Sephiroth, this is Tseng. If you see Reno and Zack before me, do inform them that I know what they did with that helicopter and that I am not happy. Also, if Rufus finds out they were involved in a high speed chase again, he will shoot them. And then _I'll _bring them back to life so I can shoot them." -beep!-

"The doctor told me humping the television won't lower sperm count… so guess what I'm doing tonight!" -beep!-

* * *

THE END

* * *

So, this is the last chapter of Answering Machine. See, I figured it needed to _actually _include an answering machine. Or at least a form of one. Voice mail is pretty much the same thing.

I had my friend Siriusderomanus help me with the messages, which is probably why two of our running jokes ended up in here.

(1) Genesis saying that Sephiroth is too small. See, I imagine Seph as being the tallest of the 1st classes and since Genesis is always fighting with him, it'd piss him off if Sephiroth was even two inches taller.

(2) The generic lucky charms... one of the shapes... oh, _deity. _Somehow it became a running joke from "Random Chat" for Zack to tease Sephiroth about the marshmallows being his... yeah.


End file.
